Seeking A Life of Faith

Talk is beginning about my return home. While I'm ready to be rid of the bugs, dirt, and inability to blend in anywhere, I'll certainly miss this place. Where else can you strike up a conversation with a total stranger, who will then drop whatever she is doing and share her story? Through the ups and downs, I have tried my best to appreciate this experience for what it has given me. As always, it seems like I always take away so much more than I can give. The lessons that I've learned here are, I'm sure, more than I can currently comprehend.

In the spirit of staying honest:

I have struggled with the feeling that I'm not accomplishing anything here. I don't see my impact and feel guilty for not loving more. But I am learning to have faith in God's higher plan. I have always quoted Jeremiah 29:11 as my favorite/life verse. I wear a ring that has "For I know the plans I have for you" engraved on it, given to me by one of my best friends. Yet I still fail to fathom what it truly means. God's viewpoint is incomprehensibly larger than mine. While I can't yet see it, I just have to pray and have faith that God is using me in some way that I don't recognize.

I also pray that I will be able to bring this mindset home, that I will live by faith in all that I do. I just finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. He observes,

"We say things like 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,' and 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart.' Then we live and plan like we don't believe God even exists. We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His promises... Jesus said, 'If you love me, you will obey what I command' (John 14:15). Jesus did not say, 'If you love me you will obey me when you feel called or good about doing so...' If we love, then we obey. Period. This sort of matter-of-fact obedience is part of what it means to live a life of faith."

I have often lived like this. I meticulously plan and try to control my life. Even here, much of my frustration has stemmed from my inability to control my situation. I claim to have faith but often I only rely on my own plans, giving God only the least significant aspects of my life. Faith in God means not having a back-up. It is knowing that if God doesn't show up, I will fail. Unfortunately, I have not learned this lesson out of my own incredible show of faith. Instead, I have been forced to learn it by my lack thereof. I asked God to show up and work through me on this trip, but I didn't really know what I was requesting. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. He seems to have said, "Okay, my child, but we're going to do this my way." I envisioned incredible adventures and lifelong friendships that would strengthen my relationship with God. While I have been blessed with both of these, that is not how God has worked on me. He has taught me through suffering, doubt, and loneliness. Even separated from everyone I know by half the globe, I was not far enough from my safe and stubborn lifestyle to hear His voice. So He brought me to a position where I had to cry out to Him. I had to rely on Him. From this place, He is teaching me about my true nature, about my weaknesses and need for His strength, and about how I view other people. His peace is beginning to take hold in my heart, a more permanent hold than I think would come from a giddy, excitement-filled, no-worries summer.

I see people living by faith all around me. People who know that if God doesn't come through, they will be in serious trouble. They live on little but are full on God. They don't worry about holding anything back for themselves. They know that the more they give, the more God will provide. I have had the privilege to work with some of these people.

Winnie, my supervisor and friend, has shown this kind of unselfish love in her own life. She welcomes in the women with open arms and a full heart. She truly listens to their worries and pain and befriends them. She treats them like equals and is sensitive to their individual personalities and limits. She learns their stories so that she can deeply know each of them, even after they have left the Center. She's even giving up her own desire for higher education to give her children the opportunity to go to college. She loves deeply without holding anything back.

Winnie held elections for student representatives on Wednesday. Among the positions: head girl, entertainment director, and health prefect. Each staff member had a role. I was given the title, "Photographer." The ceremony opened with words from the ceremony director. Then Winnie led the girls in the singing of the national anthem. After all votes were cast, the staff discussed the results and even had some of the girls show their "skills" for the Entertainment position.

Mzee, assigned to Security, stood guard

My new friends, Kaylee and Katrina, joined me for yoga. I have been missing dance, so yoga has been a great taste of home. The Mandala House uses yoga to bring healing to those traumatized by the war. They train locals to be teachers and to aid in the healing process. Read about George, my teacher and friend, on the MH website.

Aside from the chappati, gonja, and sim sim, I'm a little obsessed with the fabrics here. The patterns are beautiful, and they can make pretty much anything! So I had a quilt made for my bed. Florence, a seamstress in Gulu, finished it in only a few days. Indecisive as usual, I kept asking for her opinion on which materials went well together. She was scared to offer her thoughts in case I didn't end up liking it. Haha. I think it turned out pretty well though. :)

I had fun taking some nature shots at the center:

More pretty caterpillars

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...
or green jungle

I think the chicken knows
what's coming

“O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.” –A. W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God